I’ve wanted to blog about this for a while, but just couldn’t muster the energy until now.  When Holden was a week old I found out that I would not have a job to return to in the fall.  There is no one to blame for this (unless you want to point fingers at Congress and the Prez), and no way it could have been avoided.  As my salary depends on grant funding, I was very aware of the possibility that my job could up and disappear.  Depending on how you look at it, it’s the best and the worst timing.  It’s the best because I have to take Holden into account, and whatever decisions I make will be with his best interest in mind.  it’s also the worst because who wants to look for a job when they’ve just had a baby?  But it’s also the best timing in that I am leaving a place that provided me with no maternity leave, and a salary that would not have even covered daycare for Holden.  So I guess I have to look at the bright side—-wherever I go will be better.

The crappy part of this is how it has made me feel.  It’s a real blow to the ego to know (even if your ability or perseverance had nothing to do with it) that you are out of a job.  It’s hard to be told to pack up your stuff and that (maybe) there will be money to pay you in 6 months.  It’s hard to see the symbols of my work, papers and books, packed in boxes amongst the mildew of the basement.  Or to think about my diploma, framed and sitting in a closet, with me clinging to the hope that it will ripen over time as if in an academic root cellar.  

Of course, I’ve realized that these are all thoughts of someone who takes their career WAY too seriously.  On the other hand, I’ve invested loads of tuition money, nearly every weekend for years during my twenties, living apart from Rob and commuting 120 miles each day, not to mention the myriad sacrifices Rob has made, so perhaps I SHOULD expect a lot more from my career.  I don’t even feel especially good at what I do—academics has a way of always making you feel like you could be better or do more, or that somehow you are not serious enough.  It’s weird because (in stark contrast) with Holden, I don’t feel like I can do anything wrong.  I feel like the ultimate authority on what is good for him.  I don’t question myself or feel like I will “ruin” him.  I don’t feel like a failure with him.  I really need a career where I can feel the same way.  Where I can do the best job I can and not walk away feeling like I’ve screwed up royally.