Thanks for the input on my poll from last week.  I have made a decision about my job.  I have decided to withdraw my application for the position.  I will finish up my current contract, which ends in June.  After that, I am free to do whatever I want.

This decision has not come easily.  I have gone back and forth, many, many, times.  I have talked to many friends about this.  And ultimately, intuition has prevailed over logic.  Logically speaking, I should have come to the conclusion to keep my job.  We’re in a rough economy, and I should be grateful for the job I have.  I should also keep my job until I have another one lined up.  Etc. Etc.  Blah Blah Blah.

The reason I am not doing any of these sound and reasonable things is because:

1)  I feel like I am going to throw up every day before I teach.  This feeling has not gotten better in the 5 years that I have been teaching.

2) I found out from the Dean that the college will not support my development of a research program.  I could deal with the nausea associated with #1 above if I had the opportunity to do something I truly love, but there’s no sense in putting up with the teaching/nausea situation if I can’t do the research.

3) I have WAY too many conversations with parents of COLLEGE STUDENTS.  This should not happen. I also get lots of e-mails from entitled, snarky, and otherwise dim students, who detail at great length all of the ways that I am unfair and am ruining their lives.  I am not even remotely joking about this.

4) If you’ve ever taught before, you know that the prep is CONSTANT.  I work evenings, weekends, all day long during the week.  I feel like I never see Holden.  The first day of classes this semester, I was away from the house for 13 hours.  I just can’t do this anymore.  I worked constantly in grad school, and also worked quite a bit as a postdoc.  With a young, very active child, I can’t keep up with everything.  Holden doesn’t see enough of me, I don’t see enough of him, my house is a disaster area pretty much constantly, the house needs major renovation (and there is no time to do it), and I never have time for myself.  Ever.

So there it is.  My completely self-centered reason for withdrawing my job application is that I want my life to be easier.  It feels like a copout, but damn, it feels like the right thing to do.