I am amazed that the last time I had the energy/time to write a post was September 16th.  Time is just slipping through my fingers.  So, what has happened, and why have I been so busy?  My job has been more demanding and time-consuming than I had anticipated.  I really like the job (at least most of it), although I wish I didn’t have to bring so much work home at night and on the weekends.  I applied for the non-interim position at my job (same thing as I am doing now, except it would be at the Assistant Professor level, rather than the Instructor level).  I still feel conflicted about whether or not I want to do this job long-term, but I figured I’d apply anyway because then I can buy myself more time to make a decision.  My primary reservation about taking the position for the long-haul is that I am frequently bothered by being so far/disconnected from Holden.  Yet, when I stayed at home with H, I felt disconnected from work.  Isn’t there a happy medium?  Am I just a complainer, destined to always be dissatisfied?  I really don’t feel like I can make a decision.  I really feel so thoroughly conflicted, that I have no clue what to do.  Is it telling that I wouldn’t be bothered if they decide not to hire me for next year?  In many ways, I feel like I can’t turn my nose up at this job, because it would be foolish to do so in this economy—how many people would kill for this sort of opportunity?  At the same time, I feel more inclined to take risks and walk away from work opportunities ever since I decided to leave science last spring—that was such an enormous risk, that had a low probability of working out.  Yet…things worked out fine.  So what do I have to be afraid of, by leaving this opportunity?  Surely, another one will surface, right?

Can I find a job that is only 30 hours a week?  My job is supposed to be 40 hours a week, but I probably work between 50 and 60 hours each week.  I do get additional free time in the summer that other folks don’t get, and a whole paid week at Thanksgiving (just around the bend!), but does this make up for the intensity of the rest of the academic year?

How is Holden doing with this work schedule?  Fine.  How am I doing with this?  Tired, and missing my little guy.  Can I make these tough decisions?  I don’t have a choice.

On other, more uplifting notes—I have been ear and sinus infection free so far this year.  This is a HUGE step forward.  This has allowed us to do all sorts of fun family things on the weekends that we weren’t able to do last fall.  H did his first trick-or-treating, we went on a hayride, visited the Haunted Forest, have taken multiple trips to the park, gone on weekend play dates with H’s new friend Sammy, and gone apple picking.  H is blossoming into such an interesting and fun little person.  He is talking up a storm, and cultivating patience and understanding.

He’s currently begging for me to get him dressed. I should go to spend my limited moments of free time with my favorite person in the world…