…that I am sick again.  Over the weekend I started to feel rundown again.  Slight fever, aches, fatigue, sore throat, ringing in the ears, sinus pressure, headache, ear pain.  It’s now Tuesday and I am feeling about the same, maybe slightly more tired.  Yesterday I managed to get H out of the house on a hike, thinking it would tire him out, but instead, it just tired *me* out.  Today I appear to be paying the price, because I am really, really wiped.

Today I actually locked H out of my bedroom so I could cry.  I cried because I’m at the end of my rope with being sick.  I am tired of being sick for a couple of weeks with a week or so reprieve, followed by more sickness.  I am frustrated with my doctors and my own inability to get myself healthy again.  I am irritated by the well-meaning advice of friends.  Everyone hates to see me like this, and they really do want me to get better, but if I hear “Have you tried getting enough sleep?” or “Eat your veggies!” or “Just eliminate yeast from your diet!” or “Try a naturopathic physician” one more time, I am going to slam my head through a wall.  I’ve tried everything—supplements, exercising, not exercising, neti pot, antibiotics, herbal teas, steam, acupuncture, gluten and dairy free diet for 3 months, etc.  I’m tapped out.  I’m tired of thinking about it, I’m tired of explaining to other people that yes, I really do take care of myself, and no, I don’t stay up till 3 AM shooting heroin.

If I sound bitter, it’s because I am.  I feel like my life is on hold until I’m able to turn this around.  Today, I have so little energy, that I can’t do anything with H.  It’s horrible.  I can’t even contemplate the huge task of starting my business this fall, or of developing my course for the fall, which I still have yet to do.  I can’t think about any of it.  It’s just too exhausting to think about.  And of course, the house reno projects are on hold whenever I feel like this.  Today, my grand accomplishments were one load of laundry, changing the sheets on the beds, doing a load of dishes (but not putting them away), watering the plants, taking H to the park, and answering “Why” questions all day.  That’s it.

So, I guess the only way for me to really deal with this is to just forget about all of the stuff I want to accomplish.  It’s too daunting and depressing to think about how all of that stuff is just waiting to get done.  Forget the business, forget the the house projects, forget the class I’m supposed to teach.  Half ass everything when it gets down to the wire.  Focus on take caring of myself, and focus on H.