I am really way too exhausted to be typing anything right now, yet I feel if I go to bed without blabbering away I’ll end up recycling my thoughts quietly in my head over the next 2 hours instead of sleeping like I should.

This past work week has been a special trip to hell for both Rob and myself.  I am glad it’s almost over.  I have to go to the lab briefly on Saturday morning, but it almost doesn’t count as work because it will be quiet and I won’t have to talk to anyone.  Work is only work when you have to put up with other people.

This week concludes Holden’s second full week in daycare.  He is slowly adjusting to being away from me, although that first week was hard on us all.  I feel like I am missing so much from being separated from him, even though I dedicate my evenings to him completely.  I actually feel like I could see myself becoming unfamiliar with his rhythms and preferences, to the point of not knowing him quite the way I should.  This really bothers me.  I am used to spending so much time with him; I can anticipate meltdowns, cries of joy, bursts of activity.  As he grows and changes, I will be less able to anticipate these things.  I will know Holden less.  I really miss taking him to the park and watching him run around.  I miss playing ball with him.  I miss taking him for walks and stopping every person out with his or her dog so Holden can squeal with joy:  “Diggy!!”

Maybe I can drop down to 4 days a week at work during the spring semester.  It wouldn’t be a huge change, but it would give us a little more time together.  I have been making every effort to have dinner prepared the night before so all I need to do is throw it in the crock pot the next day—that way, we can give Holden our undivided attention instead of having him whine and pull on our legs as we make dinner.  I try to run errands and go grocery shopping after he has gone to bed, so that his precious weekends with us aren’t filled with mundane trips.  He deserves quality time with us.

Even though it’s important that I make this time with Holden a priority, I also feel like I am neglecting myself.  I don’t exercise the way I should.  I recently (tonight, actually) gave up on the prospect of taking a knitting class through parks and rec.  I just can’t seem to justify it when Holden needs me so much more.  Some days he is away from us for TEN HOURS.  That’s a really long time!  It must feel like forever to him.

During the first week of daycare, Holden’s sleep suffered.  We had expected this to a degree.  He was really inconsolable at night—he would thrash and kick and scream.  He was up every hour and nothing seemed to calm him.  Out of desperation, I decided we should dismantle the crib.  We put Holden’s mattress on the floor, and stuck a body pillow between the wall and his mattress.  This was one of those times that experimentation really paid off—Holden LOVES his new sleeping arrangement.  It turns out that he decided he was done with the crib (so glad we didn’t waste money on buying a brand new one!)  At Holden’s daycare the kids all sleep in sleeping bags on the floor, and I think that may have inclined Holden to prefer sleeping on the floor at home as well.  He has more autonomy on the floor—he can get up in the morning and go straight to his bookshelf and read to himself.  He can get up and start playing music.  He doesn’t have to cry for us to let him out.  He is proud of his new bed.  He rolls around on it and dives onto it after getting a running start from across the room.  He piles books on his mattress, then gingerly sits down next to them, methodically going through one after another until he has culled through his impressive pile of farm animals, dinosaurs, and juggling monkeys.  At night, he is still waking up 3-5 times, BUT he settles quickly and easily when we go in to tend to him.  I LOVE laying down with him and rubbing his back until his breathing eases up and I know he is asleep.  Sometimes I linger listening to him sleep.  Sometimes I fall asleep myself.  Always, I wake up grateful that I still know enough about Holden to have these experiments work.