Things are going to be fine.  This is what I tell myself.  Yesterday I gave in and called my primary care doctor.  I was able to get in and see the nurse.  She looked at my ear, exclaimed “Your eardrum looks like jelly!” and said that she thought I had hemotympanum (blood in the middle ear), a condition that is often seen following blunt force trauma (e.g. skull fractures), and apparently in my case, following a ruptured eardrum.  She made arrangements for me to see the ENT specialist at the hospital and sent me on my way.  When I checked into otolaryngology, they gave me a hearing test which was not great in either ear, but was definitely worse in my left.  They gave me a tympanogram to measure the fluid in my ear (it’s an indirect measure, because what they are actually measuring is the amount that the eardrum moves).  My right ear was somewhat normal and my left ear was dead in the water.  During the bone conduction test, they found I could hear better when they presented auditory stimuli to the bone behind my ear compared with when they presented it directly into my ear.  The doctor looked in my ear and exclaimed surprise and stifled irritation that the urgent care provider did not see (or treat) the very obvious infection in my left ear.  He gave me a prescription for a stronger antibiotic than what I was on last month, and told me that my hearing would take weeks-months to come back after going untreated for over a week.  I still have tinnitus in my left ear, and I am wondering how my teaching is going to go next month when I will be delivering lectures in a large lecture hall that has the worst acoustics known to man.  All of that said, I have only taken 2 doses of the antibiotic and my sore throat is GONE.  For the first time in 2 weeks, I can swallow without pain.  So I do think that things will get better for sure—it’s just a matter of continuing to take pain meds and trying not to work too hard.

What’s this about not working too hard??  I have to work this weekend since I took 2 days off work last week right after all of this happened.  I am in the middle of an experiment and quitting now would mean losing a couple weeks worth of work, plus research $$$ that have already been invested in the experiment.  The undergrads are gone for the break and therefore can’t help.  So, I must trudge through on my own.  I am trying to tie up loose ends that I wanted wrapped up before the New Year, but progress is slow because I am not feeling well.  All in all, I feel irritated about work—I am irritated that it’s not getting done at the pace that I want, and I am irritated that I have to deal with it at all.  I wish I could just call in sick without consequence (and get paid for a sick day!)  A girl can dream….

I don’t know whether it’s the sickness talking or the lack of benefits at my job, but I am starting to have very serious thoughts (part 2,749,320) of leaving my field.  I can’t afford to make any impulsive moves just yet, but I will say that I am investigating my options.  Starting in January, I will be getting some clinical experience that is related to the basic research I am doing in the lab.  I don’t know whether a move to doing human subjects research is something I necessarily want to do, but at least I can get some “free” exposure to this area of research that won’t require me to step away from the projects in which I am already involved.  I don’t have a degree in clinical psychology (nor do I want one), but I could still do human subjects research with the training I have (with additional mentoring required).  In an ideal world, I would be a trained clinical neuropsychologist with the ability to practice in a hospital.  But, I don’t have the clinical training, and it’s not offered where we live anyway.  So that option is most likely out.  So what’s the problem?  The problem is this:  We live in a semi-rural area with no serious prospects for me to continue the line of work in which I am currently engaged.  My current position is temporary, I am underpaid for my education, and I have no benefits.  When my position is up, I will be able to find something better (maybe) but it would require an out of state move.  We are not interested in living in the midwest, or the mid-Atlantic, or California.  We are happy where we are.  But staying here comes with a price.  I have to either do something new that is related to my field, or I have to leave the field completely.  I don’t see the latter as a real option.  I am going to try to adapt my skills to local conditions as best I can, but I think it’s going to be a real uphill battle.  I’m keeping my options open across the university, in the hope that *something* will become an opportunity for me.

Again, I don’t know if it’s just the sickness talking—if the feeling of being under the weather and drowning in work is making me feel like I need to run for the hills—or if I need to contemplate a career change more seriously because my life is demanding it.

This is a heavy post.  I promise something light for next time—after all, I WILL be feeling better in just a couple days here.  And there will be good times to share with my little guy.