This year for the holidays, we decided to try something a little different.  Instead of having professional photos taken, we went downstairs to the family room, taped holiday-themed wrapping paper to the walls and floor, set up lots and lots of lights around the area, and placed our camera on a tripod.  We sat in front of the wrapping paper  and tried various poses, different exposures, etc.  The end result turned out pretty well, we think:

Oh yeah, and we adorned ourselves with Christmas lights.  Nice touch, eh?

Today:  Finished painting baby’s room after removing about 1000 staples from the door, trim, and drywall.  WHO PUTS STAPLES INTO THE WALLS???  Trim is painted (it took 4 thick coats of paint to cover up the dark 1970s wood).  Next task is to paint the dark wood bedroom door and closet door (a task that I will reserve for after Christmas).  Tonight:  Celebrating Hannukah at Holden’s best friend’s house.  I’ve never been involved in lighting the menorah, so we are honored that our friends are inviting us into their home to share this special tradition with us.

Happy Solstice Everyone!  And Happy 3.5 years to my H-bomb!  He is exactly 3.5 today!  Wow!

I took the time to update my CV today with my new position, along with some other items that have accrued over the past few months.  I’m going to brag here because there’s not much of a gap evident on my CV—you can’t tell I took a year off to be with Holden after his birth, and it’s not evident that I’ve also only worked part-time for another year of his life.  I’m hoping that my CV is just as seamless after this next baby.  It won’t be easy, but I think I can do it!

My CV!

It’s been a while since my last downer of a post.  I wanted to thank everyone for their support and well wishes.  It means a lot.  I am doing TONS better than I was.  There are several reasons for this, I think.  First, the queasiness and fatigue is finally completely gone.  That has made an enormous difference because now I can stay adequately hydrated, I can get the nutrients I need, and most importantly, I’ve been able to exercise regularly again!  I don’t think I realized how essential exercise was for keeping me sane.  I’ve been taking weekly prenatal yoga classes, plus running on the treadmill twice each week.  My run is pretty slow, and I usually do just under 2 miles—enough to get my heart rate up, but not enough to really overexert myself.  The other thing that has really helped me feel better is having some extra certainty in my career.  I got in touch with the woman I interviewed with in August to see if she had concluded her national search for the position I had applied for.  She had indeed finished the search, and she is ready to hire me for January!  We agreed on salary as well as a flexible part-time working arrangement.  I’ll be working on the two days each week that Holden is in school, so it should work out beautifully.  I am really excited about starting this new job.  I think I will learn a lot, and there will be lots of opportunities that I can seize.  Finally, one of the best things to happen recently was the conclusion of my very last undergraduate class.  I gave the final last Friday, finished up grading and submitting grades on Saturday, and enjoyed a Sunday without the stress or pressure of having to teach the following day.  Ah……the relief that it is over!  I can’t even express it.  The last week of the semester was stress-filled, with extra meetings and paperwork related to a plagiarism case.  But it’s finally, really over.  I just couldn’t be happier about it.

In other news, baby is doing well.  At my 23 week appointment, I was up a whopping 17 lbs, which is CRAZY.  After gaining no weight whatsoever during the 1st trimester, it seems nuts that I have gained so much in the past few weeks.  I can’t believe how quickly baby is growing, although now at 24 weeks, it’s still not obvious I am pregnant!  Baby is kicking a lot (which I think first started around 16 weeks), but wasn’t detectable from the outside until closer to 20 or 21 weeks.  At this point though, the kicks are pretty strong, although Holden doesn’t sit still long enough with his hand on my belly to be able to feel it.  I know that once he finally does, it’ll probably blow his mind!  Holden is so excited about his baby brother.  He asks many questions and is aware that we are inching closer and closer to the baby’s birthday.  In January I get another ultrasound to double-check the location of my low placenta.  Hopefully it will not be quite so low this time, so I can proceed with a normal delivery.  I also go for my gestational diabetes and anemia tests.  As we approach these tests, I realize how quickly the pregnancy is going, and that baby will be here before we know it.  Now that my class is over, I’ve been able to clear off the remaining work-related items from my desk in baby’s room and get things prepared for painting the trim and walls.  I’m lucky that my jury duty was cancelled this week, so now I have a full 2 days back in my schedule to work on this project.

So yes, things are finally coming together.  I’m feeling better, I’m feeling excited, and I’m feeling hopeful for the future.

BOY!

R, H, and I are all stoked about having another boy.  I know how to handle a boy and it just seems like another boy will be the perfect fit for our family.  Honestly, I wouldn’t know what to do with a girl, for a variety of reasons, so it’s really best that we have another little guy.  Of course, it means I have to modify some of the things I say to H.  For instance, instead of tucking him in at night and telling him that he’s my favorite boy, I now have to say that he’s my favorite big boy.  His little brother will be my favorite little boy.  I think that works.

The reactions we have gotten have been weird.  A lot of people react with consolation, as in “Oh well, it’s OK, there’s lots of things that are great about having two of the same sex!” and they smile reassuringly.  Um, I’m sorry, I didn’t know that it was supposed to be ideal to have one of each.  I grew up with a little brother, who I adore and love very much today—but believe me, when we were siblings living under the same roof, we got on each other’s last nerve.  We didn’t engage in shared activities, we didn’t have overlapping circles of friends, and we didn’t even really talk that much.  We don’t talk much now, but the difference is that we genuinely love and respect each other now.  I would do anything for my brother now.  But when we were kids…..well, let’s just say that having a boy and a girl is not the ideal that so many people make it out to be.  Not that having two boys will guarantee that they are buddies either, but I also don’t think that having two of the same sex is automatic cause for consoling someone.  It’s kind of rude to do that, actually.

R’s family is ALL boys. R is the oldest of 3 boys.  R’s middle brother has 2 boys.  And now we have 2 boys.  I know that everyone was probably stifling their disappointment over it, but fuck it.  It’s my kid and he’s awesome, penis and all!

I had H deliver the news to my parents over the phone.  But when H called them, he exclaimed, “I’m going to have a little brother or sister!!”  My parents heard “sister” and were laughing and cheering (“Yay!  A sister!!”), at which point I had to grab the phone from H and correct them:  “No, he’s having a little brother.”

“Oh, a brother!  Ok!”

It wasn’t their fault how their reaction came across, and they certainly didn’t intend any disrespect or anything.  It was just one of those situations where the communication kind of fell apart in a big way.  Still, because of how the conversation unfolded, I detected their disappointment, and it made me feel pretty upset.

I have to say that not finding out the sex with Holden was WAY better, because we didn’t have to go through the bullshit of dealing with other people’s reactions over the sex.  It allowed the pregnancy to feel more private and for me to feel more in control.  I don’t like having to listen to people’s feelings about something that I can’t change.  So, I guess I do wish we hadn’t found out ahead of time with this one.  Finding out hasn’t made me feel more connected to the pregnancy, and if anything, it’s spiraled me into even more of a funk because I have to engage in all of these ridiculous conversations with people.

As time has gone on, I’ve felt less connected to this pregnancy instead of more.  I don’t know why.  I felt awesome during my pregnancy with Holden—very healthy and stable and self-assured.  I don’t feel that way this time at all.  I feel like I am going to cry pretty much at all hours of the day.  I don’t have a lot of energy.  Once or twice a week I still feel queasy and icky.  I dread what things are going to be like when he gets here.  Is that awful to say?  Probably.  It certainly makes me feel guilty to think it.  I started writing privately (away from this blog), so I could be free to say all of the crazy shit that crosses my mind.  I’m trying to figure out what is wrong with me so that I can fix it.  I bristle at pretty much everything that other people have to say—I can’t take anything in stride.  It’s making me want to cut myself off from everyone and everything.  It’s difficult for me to be around anyone socially right now because nearly everything people say makes me feel judged and inadequate.  I feel like no one understands what is going through my head, and that no one can see that I am having a very rough time.  But if someone were to say to me “I know EXACTLY what you’re going through,” I’d probably deck them on the spot.  How could they possibly know that?  They can’t.

Objectively, there is no reason for me to feel so terrible.  Baby is healthy, I am physically healthy, R is doing well, etc., but still, there are all sorts of things swimming through my head that make me feel dread.  I feel like I have no control over my life, and that I’m just acting out some script that was written by someone else.

Don’t comment on this.  You don’t understand it.  I won’t feel better if you say something to me—I’ll feel worse.

I’m going to continue my private writing, I’m going to do my yoga, try to drink more fluids, try to get those vitamins down.  I’m going to do things with H and pretend that I’m OK.  I’m going to go cross-country skiing this winter.  I’m going to hope that these feelings go away.

We had a big day today.  Today was 11-11-11.  Today we found out our baby’s sex.  We had the big anatomy scan, and the baby looks awesome.  Baby is measuring larger than average already (Baby is estimated to be 10 oz.!)  But we all know I make big babies, right?  Holden was with us during the scan, and he got to participate and get pictures.  The baby was VERY active during the scan.  Scary, because Holden slept through his entire anatomy scan when I was pregnant with him.  My placenta is low, so I have to get a follow-up exam at 26 weeks to make sure the placenta is still not sitting too low.  I’m up 8 lbs from my pre-pregnancy weight, which is great (although a certain family member has complained that it’s “not enough.”)  Whatevs.  My blood pressure is looking good.  I’m still feeling nauseous sometimes, and I haven’t taken my prenatals in 3 weeks because they just make me feel worse.  My midwife isn’t worried, so I’m not either.  We’re not revealing the baby’s sex just yet.  I have some family members that we need to tell first (it’s best that they hear it from us, rather than Facebook or a blog), so I won’t be updating that information here for a while.  Sorry.  I know you all are dying to know.  But I promise I’ll let you know by the end of the month.  My brother doesn’t even know I’m pregnant yet.  Gah.  It’s hard to be so far from family, sometimes.  But sometimes it’s really, really nice (like when they think 8 lbs. isn’t “enough” weight gain for being 19 weeks pregnant).

Anyway, I’ve made massive headway on getting the baby’s room more organized.  The baby’s room is still functioning as our office, but I think we’re super close to being able to move some of the larger pieces of furniture to their new home in the guest bedroom.  Rob and I have thrown out/recycled massive amounts of stuff in an effort to get things more organized.  Hopefully soon I’ll be able to start patching the walls in the baby’s room and maybe painting the trim.  And as soon as Holden’s new dresser arrives, his old furniture can be moved into the baby’s room.  Progress.

Last weekend we celebrated Rob’s birthday and had a wonderful day.  It was sunny and unseasonably warm for a November day in Vermont.  We went on a little hike at Mt. Philo (trust me, not challenging AT ALL), but it was still so nice to be feeling well enough to get outside and get some fresh air.  I’m hoping that I’ll be able to get out and exercise more really soon.   I have cross-country skis on my Christmas wish list; I know that cross-country skiing will be great for me this winter when I want to get out into the crisp, clear woods, and exercise my legs a bit.

Check back soon to see whether H will have a little brother or a little sister.  Sorry for the suspense!