Re-reading my last post, I realize I was sounding a little negative.  Since I posted all of that negativity, we’ve had some really great times with H where he was supremely well-behaved, followed by more frustrating times where I could just lock him in his bedroom and drive off into the sunset.  His behavior is variable, even within a given day.  All in all, it was a good summer—incredibly busy, but we did indeed meet all of our goals for Vermont’s shortest season of the year.

Remember back in spring when I detailed my aspirations for the summer?  Well, we did A-OK.  We planted our garden.  We did get sugar snap peas, but they were bitter and fibrous, so we aren’t planning on doing them again.  We planted broccoli, but our plants haven’t yielded any yet (and won’t, at this point).  We planted carrots, and they seem to be doing OK.  So we’ll be attempting those again next year.  I’ve always wanted to grow parsnips (I LOVE them), and they are a little odd, because you plant them in the fall and harvest them in the spring.  So that will be my next garden project.

Oh Holden, how correct you are to give that broccoli plant a doubtful look.  Stupid broccoli plant.

Our other goal for the summer was to enroll H in swimming lessons.  Enroll, we did!  Swim, H did not!  Oh well, there’s always next summer!

I also had a lofty exercise goal for the summer.  And although I only diligently kept track of my exercise for a little over a month, I found that I did the following:

• 2 hours of kayaking
• 8.5 miles of running
• 2 hours of yoga
• 4 miles of walking
• 26 miles of biking
• 10 miles of hiking

So yeah, I would say I reached my fitness goals!  The best part, was when R and I reached the summit of Camel’s Hump for my birthday.  The summit is just over 4,000 feet, so it was my first “over 4.”  We were sweaty and gross for sure:

One of the 5 mile hikes that we did was with Holden, when we were camping at Elmore State Park.  We hiked Mt. Elmore, and Holden did the entire 5 mile trek on his own two feet, except for the last half mile where his little legs just couldn’t carry him anymore.  Here’s my big boy at the summit:

I should also mention here that I climbed this same mountain with Holden when he was only 8 weeks old.  I’m still a little amazed that I was able to do it!

Holden also did a lot of kayaking with us this summer as well:

As for progress on the usability business, that was something I didn’t really work on.  I was supposed to have a meeting with a potential client, but it turns out they are going through hiring and salary freezes, and it just didn’t seem like the right time to work with them.  As for reading professional publications, I didn’t do so well with that.  Although I *did* read four books for pleasure, and I did end up writing and submitting article to a professional journal.  So there.

Potty training?  Don’t get me started.  He does well.  He doesn’t do well.  He does well.  Then he doesn’t.  If it weren’t for preschool, I’d say to hell with it and keep him in diapers.

Our 10-year wedding anniversary was spent in beautiful Rockland, Maine.  We planned to relax and we did.  It was great.

Holden’s birthday came and went, and as a belated present, we took him to Glen, NH to visit Storyland.  He was on his absolute BEST behavior—I mean, seriously, he was a model child for the whole weekend.  AND, we discovered he likes rollercoasters.

My parents visited in June, and we had an AWESOME time.  We took a cruise on Lake Champlain, attended an air show in Warren, VT, toured the Shelburne Museum, cooked out on the grill, and just relaxed.

House projects?  Did I do some.  Um, yes.  I need to upload some pictures of my progress.  Here’s what I did:

• Painted wood paneling in dining room a crisp white
• Painted above wood paneling a warm orange (it’s seriously my favorite color I’ve ever painted)
• I painted ALL of our kitchen cabinets white.  It took forever.  But it does look better.
• I painted Holden’s closet door white
• I refinished the bathroom vanity and medicine cabinet and replaced the old hardware with new
• I learned how to install ceramic tile, and fixed the areas around the kitchen and bathroom windows where our new windows were installed
• I got halfway into replacing our toilet, when I encountered a situation that required a plumber.  So, we were toiletless upstairs for a few days, but now we have a nice, shiny toilet, that actually flushes and doesn’t waste a ton of water.
• We hired a nice guy to replace all 19 of a single pane windows from 1973.  This was literally the only project where I could kick my feet up and relax.

So that was our summer.  We did other things too, but it’s just too much to fit in here!  Now looking at this, I can’t freaking believe how busy we were!  Holy cow!

On the very same day that I wrote my last post, lamenting how motherhood seems to propel us into a whirlwind of purgatory and self-doubt, I was approached with a job opportunity in the neuroscience field.  I investigated the option, turned it down for various reasons, and the same day I turned it down, I was contacted by a different principal investigator of the same clinical neuroscience research group, who wants me to consider working with her.  I spent about half an hour on the phone with her, and we are scheduled to meet next week.  Again, I’m feeling so incredibly conflicted, I can’t even express it.  I could defer the opportunity for a few years, and it might still be there in a few years, or it might not.  Who knows.  I can only follow my gut on this.

Anyway, it’s been kind of a rough couple of weeks.  H started swim lessons last week.  They ended today.  They started out OK—H would actually get in the water, but as the week went on, he was increasingly distracted, refused to listen to the coaches, or stay with the other kids.  The other moms began to ask whether he does OK in school, how I can keep him focused on tasks, etc.  I know that they were not-so-subtly hinting that he is a bit active, but so what.  He has ALWAYS been more active than other kids.  The reason I’m not concerned about that is because he has the capacity to focus on tasks like building his train set, reading books, etc.  So he is absolutely capable of focusing when he wants to.  He’s just a handful sometimes and requires TONS of redirection.  And this past week in particular, he was just really bouncing off the walls.  Also, since our trip to Maine, he has COMPLETELY regressed in his potty training.  I just finally gave up and put him back in diapers.  It’s a battle I refuse to engage in.  If he can’t pull it together by the beginning of September, we lose his slot at his preschool, and somehow I am stuck at home with him with absolutely no time to prep my class.  He’s just not the kind of kid who can tolerate me doing other things like working on my class when he is awake.  And he is always awake.  He still doesn’t sleep through the night, he doesn’t nap during the day, and geez, I don’t know why I am even bothering meeting with this prinicipal investigator next week.  It seems like a waste of time because I am likely looking at not having any childcare set up for the year. Fuuuuccccckkk.

When I told Holden that his swim lessons were over, he cheered and clapped.  Clearly, he was relieved.  I asked him if he liked having swim lesson a little or a lot.  He said he only liked them a little.  When I asked him if he wants to take them again next year, he said yes.  So, I guess he doesn’t mind them terribly, but he doesn’t love it either.  We got a little evaluation form from his coach today, and her comment said “Holden is very active and energetic but he needs more practice and confidence in the water.”  True.  She’s absolutely right.  I really want him to learn how to swim as he gets older.  I never learned myself, for two reasons.  First, I had chronic ear infections when I was little, and I was told not to submerge my head in the water.  (This was back when ENTs were putting in tubes and telling parents that their kids couldn’t get water in their ears).  Secondly, I think I can count on one hand the number of times my parents took me to the pool or beach growing up.  I started going more frequently as a teenager, when my friends and I would go to the local swim club.  But I was there for social reasons, definitely not for swimming.  So yeah, I don’t especially enjoy public pools, but I don’t think that my opinion of it should interfere with H’s ability to learn to swim.  I’ll just keep taking him over the years so he gains confidence.  Next summer, I want him to repeat the class he took this summer, so he can actually master some of the skills from the class.  I can’t say that he learned much because he spent so much time getting out of the water and running around the pool.  Everyone kept trying to encourage him to stay in the water, but after 2 weeks, I felt like he was getting worse, not better.  I have to say,  I am a little relieved it’s over.

This summer has been a weird time for Holden.  He’s been very contrary and just a poor listener.  I felt like his behavior was better last summer.  I’m sure it’s a phase—or at least I hope.  One possibility is that he’s just doing a ton of growing right now.  I cooked a pound of whole wheat pasta the other day, and he ate the whole thing himself in 2 days (and that was just his “snack”)!  Plus, he has been laying down occasionally saying that he is tired and needs a rest (but doesn’t actually fall asleep).  That’s very unusual for him.  He really needs the rest, but he doesn’t permit himself to fall asleep.  With the exception of earlier this week—Holden seemed fine all day, but then in the afternoon had an EPIC meltdown over a piece of deli meat.  He asked for a slice of ham, and I gave him one.  He started crying and screaming, saying he didn’t want it.  Every time I tried to put it back in the refrigerator, he would cry and scream some more, saying he did want it.  I knew it was a losing battle, so I locked him in his room.  He cried for 2 minutes, then he was OUT.  For 3 hours.  This never happens.  When he woke up, he was able to explain why he was so upset.  You know what he said?  You’ll never guess.  He said:  “I WAS UPSET BECAUSE I WANTED TO EAT THE HAM, BUT I WAS ALSO SAD THAT THE HAM COMES FROM PIGS.”  Yeah.  I so did not have enough caffeine in my system to deal with such an explanation.  That night, H went to bed at his normal time and slept until 10AM, minus a 5AM wakening.  I let him sleep through swim lessons that morning.  He clearly needed the sleep.

So, I guess H is struggling with a lot of different things:  eating a lot, sleeping a lot (or needing to sleep a lot), being more active than usual, being a poor listener, and completely giving up on potty training.  The other day he tore down his curtains (hardware and all), purposefully emptied an entire water bottle all over the dining room floor, repeatedly kicked his walls with his shoes on, etc.  I kind of flew into a rage, and ended up ripping his little paper train off his wall.  It was mean of me, but I was just so at the end of my rope.  My class is starting in 3 weeks and I have SO MUCH to accomplish, and I just don’t know how I am going to do it, when I have a little monkey in my midst.  A lot of retarded parents have commented recently that he’s active and wants so much attention because he is an only child and doesn’t know how to share attention and resources.  Idiots.  This is *WHY* he is an only child.  He is more work than other kids, especially over the past few months.

This has been a smashingly good summer.

I know I complained about being sick during the first part of the summer, but since approximately mid-June, I’ve been feeling pretty fantastic!

R and I celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary with a marvelous trip to coastal Maine.  We took our kayaks and spent some time on the water.  We wandered through art galleries.  We ate lobster.  We had a glass of wine with every meal.  We got massages.  It was most excellent.

While on our trip, H went on a camping/fishing excursion with his grandparents.  H caught a 17-inch bass.  We are so proud.

H started swim lessons this week.  He’s doing great!

We’re doing other things, too.  Like visiting the library and the aquarium/science center.  Tending our small garden (we finally have sugar snap peas!).  Going on hikes.  Enjoying “picnics” on the front lawn.  And fitting in those house projects, slowly but surely.

H begins preschool on Sept. 1.  I go back to work (part-time) on August 29th.  I’ve started prepping my class, but I won’t have too much done ahead of time.  It’s just been hard to do it with H around.

I’m also feeling conflicted about work stuff.  For now, teaching 1 class/term is clearly a good choice.  It helps me keep my CV current, I get to feel like I am doing something productive outside of the house, etc.  And because I’m teaching an evening class, we don’t have to fuss with daycare.  These are all good things.  But I am starting to have second thoughts about pursuing the usability business.  Although usability research could be interesting, I keep feeling this tug back to my original field.  I just can’t shake the feeling that I am abandoning learning about the brain.  I feel like there’s something I am missing.

I recently submitted my very last manuscript from my postdoc.  Now I have no more data.  And I am jonesing a little bit.  I feel like I need to plan an experiment, execute it, and let the data roll in.  And today, I had a weird experience.  H was having his annual pediatrician appointment (that kid weighs nearly 37 pounds now!).  The pediatrician recalled a conversation we’d had 2 years ago, where I shared with her my controversial and as yet, untested, hypothesis about the effect of prenatal SSRIs on later development of autism.  Today, the pediatrician showed me a new paper just published in the Archives of General Psychiatry, which is suggestive of such a link (although causation still hasn’t been established).  It got me thinking about the animal model I had designed around this very idea, how I wanted to run some kick-ass studies to explore the model, and how everyone I talked to thought it was too speculative and too risky.  And now, here is some evidence to support it.  It made me think that I really know what I am doing, even if no one else seems to think so.  Several months ago, my postdoc advisor told me I was welcome to come back any time to tinker in the lab if I want to.  It was a nice offer.  And it’s tempting.  But I’d be a volunteer again.  And for what?  Would I be taking a step backwards?

I feel like I need to be choosy about my commitments these days.  I can only take on things that are going to advance my career, since I’ve already wasted 8 years building a career that just can’t happen here.  I keep thinking about how doing clinical neuropsychology would be right up my alley (and I would have a job here), but as I concluded months ago, it would be a long and expensive road.

Do I just need to teach part-time for a while, and think about it all some more before I delve into anything new?  It’s clear that I am conflicted.  It’s clear that I am not 100% committed to any one decision.  Maybe I should volunteer for the Brain Injury Association of Vermont.  Make some connections, learn some new things.  Maybe that would be good.

One question that has thrown me for a loop at the playground is this:  “Are you a stay-at-home mom?”  I wince whenever I hear it, and I quickly reply no.  Yes, you can hate me for saying this, but I’m just being honest.  I don’t know why the question always makes me feel so insulted.  I think it’s because the phrase “stay-at-home-mom” is insulting.  I don’t know any moms that *just* stay at home.  We’re all running around all the time, doing our parenting at the pool, the park, a restaurant, a friend’s house.  It’s not like mothering is relegated only to the private sphere, to be kept out of the public eye, like nudity, sex, or drug use.

But also, I feel like it’s a judgmental question.  Stay-at-home moms probably think I am selfish for working, and working moms probably think I lack ambition.  I am in the purgatory of the parenting work world, having “stayed at home,” worked part-time, worked full-time, and everything in between since having H.  I don’t really feel like I belong with any of them.

My best friends in VT do not have kids.  In some cases, they won’t ever.  And that’s awesome.  Nearly all of my friends in VT with kids are those who already had kids at the time I met them.  And now I am rambling.

I don’t know where I am going with this, other than to say I am nearly 100% sure that all of the moms I know struggle with career/identity/balance issues.  And also, I am nearly 100% sure that I have had conversations with nearly 0% of them about this fact.

Why is this?

A selection of H-bomb quotes from over the past year or so. Many of these you’ve probably seen before on Facebook or Twitter… but I couldn’t resist a round-up like this:

• “I can’t use the potty because my butt is not real!”
• “Bus is my safe word.”
• “Do you like my Ouroboros sander?”
• H. on the ice-maker: “It makes tears and sunshine.”
• “I work at the White House. Downtown.”
• “Pork chops are the lobster of steak.”
• upon seeing a Domino’s delivery car: “Pizza taxi!”
• talking about our car: “Can we paint it fire engine red?”
• R.: “If someone asks you where you learned to play doctor, you tell them ‘Columbia Medical School’.”
  H.: “Ha! That doesn’t mean anything!”
• ♬ If that diamond ring won’t shine ♬ Papa’s gonna buy you a dump truck bird! ♬
• H.: “Pee comes out of my penis. Poop comes out of my butt.”
  R.: “Yes, that’s true. And what comes out of your mouth?”
  H.: (pauses to think) “Snakes.”
• “I’m plowing the rug.”
• ♬ head – shoulders – knees & butt – knees & butt ♬
• H.: “What’s that?”
  R.: “It says Nature’s Path Organic Pumpkin Flax Plus Granola with Omega-3s.”
  H.: “No. It says Cheerio’s.”
• “I’m making truck soup.”
• H. (holding a calculator): “Fix it.”
  R.: “What’s wrong? What are you trying to do?”
  H.: “I’m trying to watch a video.”
• “It’s bed time if you fart.”
• “I’m a paradox in my own business.”
• H. (playing with his new toy cooktop): “Mommy, I’m cooking some vegetables!”
  A.: “What vegetables are you cooking?”
  H.: “Bacon!”
• “…and then Santa will come in through the water pipes!”
• H.: “Cute cute cute.”
  R.: “Who’s cute?”
  H.: “The babysitter.”
• “Grasshopper ass-whopper.”
• R.: “Do you want anything else?”
  H.: “I want Rice Che— I WANT ANYTHING ELSE!”
• R.: “Do you want to go home and nap?”
  H.: “No. I’m talking.” (image)
• after being presented with a bowl of ice cream: “Warm it up?”
• R.: “Papa farted—what do you say?”
  H.: “Thank you.”
• “I’m talking about whining.”
• upon seeing a hot rod: “Car wad!”

Our little Holden turned 3 years old last week.  It’s just incredible.  Holden has developed into a sensitive, talkative, daring, and above all, HILARIOUS, little guy.  I would say that Holden’s sense of humor is his most defining attribute, at this point.  He “gets” double entendres, puns, and other more subtle forms of humor.  He laughs often, imitates other people’s voices, and enjoys playing “jokes” on people.  At the same time, he can be very intent on doing something, devoting all of his concentration and energy on a goal.  Despite being a bit of a silly joker, he still gets very frustrated if things don’t go according to his expectations, or if he isn’t able to do something as well as he would like.  He has become an interesting combination of perseverance, hilarity, and intense contemplation.  He is dynamic, and I LOVE him.  He is the greatest gift I could ever have been granted.

What is he up to these days?  Well, for starters, he talks non-stop.  All day long.  In his chatter, I often hear imaginary conflicts unfold among the characters in his apocryphal childhood drama, punctuated by a stream of vehicular utterances.  He is a storyteller.

He also understands that text represents words, and he’s beginning to show interest in learning how to read.  He still loves books, as he always has, and now he is learning that letters encode sounds, and that individual sounds create words when put together.  He’s learned how to spell a few words, even!  It’s amazing!  (Sometime, ask me about the R-rated reason that he learned to spell “kitty”).  He’s potty-trained (95% of the time) and he sleeps through the night (75% of the time):)  His favorite toy is still his wooden train set, even after an entire year of nearly round-the-clock use.  He loves animals, carpentry tools, gardening, painting, girls (yikes!), hiking, and making fun of me when I run on the treadmill.  He yells at the cat for being too close to his toys, but shares well with other kids.

He whines a lot sometimes.

He is a snuggler, and I still lay with him in his bed for 5 minutes every night as he drifts off to sleep.  He usually clutches my hand, squeezes it, and smiles back at me.  I kiss him on the forehead and tell him I love him.  He replies “I love you, too.”  Then I close the door, walk down the hallway, and think about how lucky and exhausted I am.  Lucky and exhausted.  The paradigmatic mother.

Here’s some time-lapse Holden:

June 22, 2008

June 22, 2009

June 22, 2010

June 22, 2011