…that I am sick again.  Over the weekend I started to feel rundown again.  Slight fever, aches, fatigue, sore throat, ringing in the ears, sinus pressure, headache, ear pain.  It’s now Tuesday and I am feeling about the same, maybe slightly more tired.  Yesterday I managed to get H out of the house on a hike, thinking it would tire him out, but instead, it just tired *me* out.  Today I appear to be paying the price, because I am really, really wiped.

Today I actually locked H out of my bedroom so I could cry.  I cried because I’m at the end of my rope with being sick.  I am tired of being sick for a couple of weeks with a week or so reprieve, followed by more sickness.  I am frustrated with my doctors and my own inability to get myself healthy again.  I am irritated by the well-meaning advice of friends.  Everyone hates to see me like this, and they really do want me to get better, but if I hear “Have you tried getting enough sleep?” or “Eat your veggies!” or “Just eliminate yeast from your diet!” or “Try a naturopathic physician” one more time, I am going to slam my head through a wall.  I’ve tried everything—supplements, exercising, not exercising, neti pot, antibiotics, herbal teas, steam, acupuncture, gluten and dairy free diet for 3 months, etc.  I’m tapped out.  I’m tired of thinking about it, I’m tired of explaining to other people that yes, I really do take care of myself, and no, I don’t stay up till 3 AM shooting heroin.

If I sound bitter, it’s because I am.  I feel like my life is on hold until I’m able to turn this around.  Today, I have so little energy, that I can’t do anything with H.  It’s horrible.  I can’t even contemplate the huge task of starting my business this fall, or of developing my course for the fall, which I still have yet to do.  I can’t think about any of it.  It’s just too exhausting to think about.  And of course, the house reno projects are on hold whenever I feel like this.  Today, my grand accomplishments were one load of laundry, changing the sheets on the beds, doing a load of dishes (but not putting them away), watering the plants, taking H to the park, and answering “Why” questions all day.  That’s it.

So, I guess the only way for me to really deal with this is to just forget about all of the stuff I want to accomplish.  It’s too daunting and depressing to think about how all of that stuff is just waiting to get done.  Forget the business, forget the the house projects, forget the class I’m supposed to teach.  Half ass everything when it gets down to the wire.  Focus on take caring of myself, and focus on H.

Two steps forward, one step back.

That is an apt description for life these days, it seems.  H has taken to potty training in a big way.  He takes it pretty seriously (more so than we do), and within 4 days of committing to underwear only, he began to have accident-free days.  The problem with this (wait, there’s a problem?!!), is that for some insane reason, he has decided to potty train himself for nighttime, too.  Our intent was to not worry about nighttime at all for at least another year.  We were fine with throwing him in a diaper or pull-up for nighttime, and calling it a day.  What has happened instead is this:  H uses the potty before bed.  We put him in a diaper or pull-up, and stick him in some PJs.  We tuck him in.  He proceeds to wake up 3 or 4 times throughout the night to go to the potty.

Oh-em-gee.

We are tired.

I can’t exactly say, “Holden, don’t bother with the potty, just keep peeing in your diaper.”  No, that would not be a sane thing to do.  So, we are running with it.  Sleep deprivation and all.

We are exhausted and HE is exhausted, with all of the middle-of-the-night trips to the potty.  His patience and mood have suffered because of it—remember, this is a child who has not napped for an entire year.  Until, a few days ago.  He was actually so exhausted from his nighttime bathroom excursions, that he took a 2-hour nap.  He hasn’t done that in 12 months.  You know what I did while he slept?  I painted the wood paneling in my fucking dining room.

The 2-hour nap from the other day was unfortunately a one-time stint.  H continues to be exhausted during the day—he snaps at me easily, screams at the cat for getting too close to his toys, spits, throws things, and yells.  He’s not like this all the time, and yes, most of this is normal almost-3-year-old behavior, but it does seem to be going to a whole new level since we started using the potty a couple of weeks ago.

Even still, it’s a necessary step that gets us a bit closer to the beginning of preschool this September.  Growing up is tumultuous, painful, exhausting, and beautiful.

I feel sort of silly admitting this, because it’s summer vacation and all, but I am starting to feel totally overwhelmed.  The summer was supposed to be my special time with H, and instead, I’ve managed to turn it into a stressful time where I am trying to do renovations to the house, develop my course for the fall, start my business, and make sure all of the loose ends are tied up with my current job when I officially hand over my keys on June 30th.  And did I mention I have no daycare?  Yikes.

I know this is all my fault–I greatly overestimate what I am capable of accomplishing during a set unit of time, and I greatly underestimate the amount of energy and patience that I have to accomplish those tasks.   I can’t do it all.  I can’t.  And there’s nothing wrong with that.  R and I had a good talk about this tonight—he reminded me that my real job right now is to be with H.  He reminded me of how much I missed H when I was at work, and I should use this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to truly be with H.  He’s absolutely right.  The business can wait a few months until H starts preschool in the fall a couple days a week.  The course prep for the fall CAN’T really wait, but if I make that a priority over the next couple of weeks, I can get the whole thing done if I work on it at night after H goes to bed.  The house projects—well, let’s just say I might be a little too ambitious about those.  We’ve been in our house 2 years, and it still needs a ton of work.  A lot of the work is stuff that I can do, and I wasn’t able to do much of it our first year in the house because I was so sick with sinus and ear infections that year.  This year has been better, so I am making up for lost time.  Currently, I’m in the process of painting all of the dark 1970s wood trim and wood doors that adorn our house.  That is a HUGE task.  The doors take a minimum of 3 coats/side.  That’s 6 days per door x 9 doors.  That’s 54 days of painting.  No way in hell it will get done this summer, but if I can at least get half of it done, that will be 4 doors that we won’t have to do next year.  I know it seems like “Well, it’s just dark wood trim, just let it go for another year….” This is true, I could just let it go another year, but OMG, that disgusting trim drives me crazy.  It has to go.  It just might have to go over a 2-year period:)

The other big project  is our garden—which thankfully, is done! (pictures to come).  We finished it up this weekend, thanks to no rain for 2 consecutive days.  Tending the garden is not a stressor for me, but getting the sod removed, the fence up, etc, was a total stressor.  So at least that is over with.  Sigh:)

Oh, and we’re potty-training.  Not religiously, but we’re kind of attempting it.  It’s actually going really well.  If I prompt H first thing in the morning, he’ll sit on the potty and go!  If he has to poop, we’ll ask him to sit on the potty, and he’ll go. He’s just not always diligent about letting us know that he has to go.  He’ll figure it out.  And if he doesn’t, so what.

So yeah—I just had to chronicle all the stuff that’s going on right now.  It’s a lot, and I need to recognize that, and let some of it go.  I need to be OK with it not all getting done.  I really just need to get over myself.

So today, I am REALLY starting to feel better.  The congealed mess that was coming out of my ear has finally started to break up and dissipate, my throat isn’t as sore, my hearing is better, and I have more energy.  Two weeks into this, and I am starting to feel good again!  Now summer can start again in earnest!

Other good news–I went to a “Starting your own business” seminar today, that was hosted by the VT Small Business Development Center.  It was great—lots of practical information, resources, and support.  I have to register my trade name, but I still don’t know what to call my business.  I’m open to suggestions:)

Also, the thing that has been weighing on my mind in a big way, is this little situation with H’s former school.  H has been out of school for nearly 3 weeks now.  Just recently, I found his former teachers and the owner of the daycare on Facebook, and I friended them.  We had all discussed keeping in touch, and somehow Facebook has just become one of the easiest ways to accomplish that.  I got together with H’s former teacher Ashley for a playdate earlier this week.  She watches Jacob, who was one of H’s classmates (and who,  in a weird twist of fate, also lives in our old condo downtown).  Ashley, Jacob, H, and I all went to the park together and had a wonderful time.  The boys were thrilled to see each other, and H was so overjoyed to see his beautiful Ashley once again.  Ashley and I talked at the playground—-and she told me the real scoop behind the school’s closing.  I knew that there were financial hardships, and I also knew that making payroll was a challenge for the owner.  But I DIDN’T know that the owner did not pay any of the teachers for the entire last month that the school was open.  The teachers knew they weren’t getting paid and knew that they would never see the money (the owner told them as much), but they kept coming in to work day after day, so they could support the families and the kids that went to the school.  My heart broke when I heard this.  I cannot imagine being in that position.  And Ashley confided that they all were tempted to talk to the parents about it, but they felt it would be unprofessional to air that dirty laundry so openly.  None of the teachers are in communication with the owner at this point, which is a big deal because they had all worked together for the past 11 years.  Now their friendship is over.  It is sad.

I keep thinking about it, and I keep feeling angry.  I keep feeling like I should do something.  We paid nearly $200/week to the preschool, with the belief that the money would help pay the teachers.  The teachers never got that money.  So even though the school provided the care that we paid for, the owner DIDN’T pay the teachers, and I am REALLY PISSED OFF that our money was not spent in the way that we thought it would be.  Working in a daycare is hard work, and those ladies deserve every cent of their hard-earned money.  One of the teachers is pregnant—and now she is scrambling to find a job.

What would YOU do?  Nothing?  Something?  I’m friends with the owner on Facebook; I friended her before I knew all of this.  I could talk to her about it, but I am fairly certain that she would be unreasonable about it.  So I don’t think that would work.  Maybe I shouldn’t do anything.  Maybe we should all just move on with our lives.

But every time I look at those last little art projects that H brought home from school, I think about the teachers who helped wipe the paint off his chubby little fingers, complimented him on his artistry, and lovingly placed his little paintings in his bin at the end of the day.  I think about their dedication, how they wouldn’t walk out on the kids and the families, how they basically volunteered their time, talents, and patience for the last month the school was open.  Their talents are valuable, and it breaks my heart that they were treated like they aren’t.

My first week with H was last week.  He went to my neighbor’s for one day while I went into work, but other than that, it was just me and him all week long!  It was wonderful.  We took walks to the park, played in the yard, made pancakes, painted pictures, and ate grilled cheese together for lunch.  We were both getting into the swing of things, but then…the weekend happened.  On Saturday I had to go to campus to participate in the commencement ceremony.  I finished up and left for home immediately because Rob was home sick with H and he needed some relief.  I came home, fixed us some lunch, and then we laid low the rest of the day.  That night my throat was starting to feel sore, but I thought maybe I was just imagining things.  On Mother’s Day, it was evident that I really *was* sick.  We went out to breakfast, then we came home and spent the rest of the day at the house.  Today was the first day since then that I have left the neighborhood.  My ears started bothering me on Monday, and then today I couldn’t stand it any longer.  I dragged H with me to my primary care doc, I got the confirmation that my ears are a mess, and I was given a prescription to clear up the infection.  Tonight I’m in quite a bit of discomfort, and I am irritated that my ears are doing this again.  It’s so frustrating.  No amount of exercise, good diet, and low stress seems to be having any sort of positive effect on my health.  It’s possible that I just got some bug from H—he had an ear infection last week, as evidenced by his tubes letting some seriously icky ear goop escape his middle ear.  He went through a week of waking up several times at night, but this week he has been sleeping through the night.  I think he’s past the worst of it now.  I know things will be better once this week is over.  It’s just really hard to adequately take care of an active preschooler when you feel this awful:(