December 3 – Moment.

Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail (texture, smells, voices, noises, colors).

This is a tough one.  I think the best moments (I can’t pick only one) were moments spent with H and R.  The hiking I did with H this year was spectacular; it was such a wonderful feeling to spend time with H, doing something that we love, working our butts off (literally), to end up with breath-taking views from the top.  Some of the special moments I had with H over the summer included some of the hikes we did just the two of us.  It felt special to have that time with him where I was the only person in the world that mattered to him, and I was all he needed in that moment.  I loved watching him make progress on the trail, learn what the blazes mean, and get excited for a well-deserved picnic break.  I hope he takes these types of moments with him into the future and cherishes these kinds of experiences in nature, surrounded by beauty, and the one person in the world who would do anything for you.

December 2 – Writing.
What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing — and can you eliminate it?

My job doesn’t contribute to my writing.  My job keeps me so busy that I don’t have time to blog anymore.  I don’t fancy myself a particularly skillful writer, nor do I have designs on ever becoming “a writer” per se.  I write because I think it’s a useful tool for self-reflection.  It’s a means to an end for me.  I don’t do much writing in my current job (I don’t count the untold e-mails that I send each day reiterating my attendance and grading policies), although I would relish the challenge of authoring a textbook in my field, or articles related to higher education issues.  I would not have time to embark on a project of this magnitude unless I was on sabbatical, which I wouldn’t qualify for until the year 2017.

Can I eliminate what doesn’t contribute to my writing?  Am I being asked whether I can eliminate my job?  The answer is yes, I *can* eliminate my job.  I am completely capable of quitting my job when my contract is up (in June).  But I won’t quit my job.  I can’t bring myself to do it.  And I don’t know why.

I’m crazy to start doing this at such a late date, but I decided to engage in a little reflection during this cold, dark month, a la #reverb10.  I have hardly done any writing this semester that was not specifically for work, and as a consequence, I’m really feeling the need to do a little bit of meditation as the year winds to a close.

Here’s my first crack at this:

December 1 – One Word. Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?

Conflicted.  I almost chose the word serendipitous, to reflect the weird turn of events with my job back in May, but upon closer reflection I thought that the word “conflicted” was more apt.  I am conflicted about career.  About Holden.  About the various ratios by which my time is divided between career and Holden at any given time.  I am conflicted about the next step.  About choices that seem to be permanent, and are therefore huge and looming.  How can I feel confident that the choices I make are the best?  I know that it’s a fantasy world to expect that every choice you make is met with 100% confidence in the quality, rightness, and future satisfaction of those choices.  That said, for 2011, I would like to have the word “contentment” replace the word “conflicted,” so that every choice I make over the next 12 months is made self-assuredly, without looking back…..

I am amazed that the last time I had the energy/time to write a post was September 16th.  Time is just slipping through my fingers.  So, what has happened, and why have I been so busy?  My job has been more demanding and time-consuming than I had anticipated.  I really like the job (at least most of it), although I wish I didn’t have to bring so much work home at night and on the weekends.  I applied for the non-interim position at my job (same thing as I am doing now, except it would be at the Assistant Professor level, rather than the Instructor level).  I still feel conflicted about whether or not I want to do this job long-term, but I figured I’d apply anyway because then I can buy myself more time to make a decision.  My primary reservation about taking the position for the long-haul is that I am frequently bothered by being so far/disconnected from Holden.  Yet, when I stayed at home with H, I felt disconnected from work.  Isn’t there a happy medium?  Am I just a complainer, destined to always be dissatisfied?  I really don’t feel like I can make a decision.  I really feel so thoroughly conflicted, that I have no clue what to do.  Is it telling that I wouldn’t be bothered if they decide not to hire me for next year?  In many ways, I feel like I can’t turn my nose up at this job, because it would be foolish to do so in this economy—how many people would kill for this sort of opportunity?  At the same time, I feel more inclined to take risks and walk away from work opportunities ever since I decided to leave science last spring—that was such an enormous risk, that had a low probability of working out.  Yet…things worked out fine.  So what do I have to be afraid of, by leaving this opportunity?  Surely, another one will surface, right?

Can I find a job that is only 30 hours a week?  My job is supposed to be 40 hours a week, but I probably work between 50 and 60 hours each week.  I do get additional free time in the summer that other folks don’t get, and a whole paid week at Thanksgiving (just around the bend!), but does this make up for the intensity of the rest of the academic year?

How is Holden doing with this work schedule?  Fine.  How am I doing with this?  Tired, and missing my little guy.  Can I make these tough decisions?  I don’t have a choice.

On other, more uplifting notes—I have been ear and sinus infection free so far this year.  This is a HUGE step forward.  This has allowed us to do all sorts of fun family things on the weekends that we weren’t able to do last fall.  H did his first trick-or-treating, we went on a hayride, visited the Haunted Forest, have taken multiple trips to the park, gone on weekend play dates with H’s new friend Sammy, and gone apple picking.  H is blossoming into such an interesting and fun little person.  He is talking up a storm, and cultivating patience and understanding.

He’s currently begging for me to get him dressed. I should go to spend my limited moments of free time with my favorite person in the world…

Heard some quiet talking from The Boy’s room. We put him to bed about a half an hour ago. The talking was a bit rhythmic and directed.

Tip-toed down the hallway and saw the light spilling from under the closed door.

H-bomb was reading to himself.