My eye is unwell again.  Two nights ago I woke up feeling like something was in my eye, usually a first indication of impending pain.  I got up, put ointment in it, and went back to sleep.  Last night I was jolted awake with pain and my eye was watering.  I put some ointment in it, and lucky for me, the pain was not horrible and it was short-lived.  Today I feel very upset and depressed about what appears to be a relapse of a condition that is seemingly resistant to treatment and is significantly interfering with my sleep.

When I first saw the ophthamalogist, I suggested to him the possibility that the changing hormones of pregnancy and postpartum were partially responsible for the eye trouble that cropped up 12 years after the initial injury.  He did some hand-waving and basically said “who knows, there are only a few things we can do, and they may or may not work…” (some digging today revealed a 50-80% success rate with the interventions I’ve already had).  I decided to hop on MedLine and check out some articles.  I couldn’t find too many things about the interplay between hormones and recurrent corneal erosions, but did find some information about menstrual cycle, pregnancy, and menopause-induced changes in corneal thickness and curvature.  Estrogen levels fluctuate during the menstrual cycle, and also rise during pregnancy followed by a rapid drop postpartum (particularly in the breastfeeding mother).  I thought that perhaps this could account for what I’m experiencing, at least in part.  I did searches on luteinizing hormone, follicle-stimulating hormone, and progesterone, and couldn’t find too much information.  Finally, I found an article detailing the growth factors and proteins responsible for maintaining the integrity between the corneal epithelium, the basement membrane, and the acellular Bowman’s membrane.  One of these matrix molecules, collagen, seems to be responsible for anchoring the basement membrane to the stroma, and changes in collagen expression seem to be at the heart of traumatic recurrent corneal erosions.  Guess what low estrogen levels do to collagen expression?  Yup, if you guessed that low estrogen leads to low collagen, you win.  And guess where my estrogen levels are right now?  Lower than the Dow.  

So where do I go from here?  I don’t want to stop breastfeeding.  I considered for a brief second the strategy of taking oral contraceptives to boost my estrogen, but that is also problematic as estrogen can interfere with milk supply and has poorly understood effects on the breastfeeding infant.  Most healthcare providers recommend low-estrogen or progestin only pills for breastfeeding mothers, which of course, won’t really tackle the problem I’m having.  So I’ve decided to wait this one out.  I’m in for a few months of continued sleep deprivation and excruciating pain.  I may be able to see the eye doctor to get periodic contact lens bandages for temporary relief when I go on my job talk, for example (assuming that a job talk is even still in the cards at this point).  Once I’m done breastfeeding, if I’m still having problems, I’ll go back to the eye doctor and have the debridement procedure repeated.  It won’t do me any good to have it done again right now, as the success of the procedure depends on the body’s own ability to heal.  And my healing seems to be impeded at this point by those pesky hormones.  

If I thought it would do any good, I would sue the shit out of Wal-Mart (who is responsible for my injury in the first place), and then use the money to fund research on the relationship between estrogens and eye disease/pathology.  (I just learned that macular degeneration is more common in women and coincides with the menopausal period).  I couldn’t believe how much digging I had to do to get even a hint of an answer to all of this.  Of course, all of this underscores the larger issue of a lack of basic research into women’s health issues.  I’m not even talking reproductive health here….I’m talking health in general, which just happens to be heavily influenced by female reproductive hormones.

I finished my manuscript finally today.  We submitted it to the journal.  A co-author had a change of heart about the journal to which it was submitted.  We withdrew the manuscript.  We are re-submitting it elsewhere.  I hope I don’t have to do much formatting to get it to where it needs to be.  I really want to check it off my list and move on.  

After I submitted the manuscript this morning, we attended a Baby Yoga class.  H absolutely loved it!  One of the neighborhood gals had signed up for the class but had to miss it because of a conflicting trip out of town, so she generously offered her spot in the class to us.  H giggled and loved being around the other moms and babies.  It was much better than the postnatal yoga class I took him to when he was 8 weeks old.  At 8 weeks, he was still in that stage where he needed to be held all the time, so it was tough to actually do any yoga.  But now that he is older, more independent, and more interactive, he is in a great place to actually participate in a yoga class geared for his enjoyment.

After yoga, I picked up Uncle Steve to come babysit while I drove to central VT for a dentist appointment.  H was a good baby while I was gone, and as payment, we are taking Uncle Steve out for sushi tomorrow night!  Yum!  Here’s a question—please chime in if you know the answer:  Is it safe to eat sushi while breastfeeding?  I know that I obviously have to avoid the high-mercury fish, but I wasn’t sure whether food-borne bacteria in raw fish like salmon is still a concern.  I might call the pediatrician to find out the answer, and I’ll post here if no one else knows the answer to this.

As an aside, there were two instances today where Holden said “mamamamamamama.”  I know that he is just babbling and doesn’t know what he is saying, but it’s exciting nonetheless.  I suspect that he will be not unlike a certain cousin of his, whose mother once remarked that “sometimes I just want to pay him $20 to be quiet for half an hour.”  That cracks me up every time I think about it.

OK, I’m off to do some house chores and eat veggie lasagna with my awesome hubby.  Hmmm….maybe a date to watch an X-Files episode is in order….

H is four months old today.  And to mark the day, we got our first snow flurries of the season.  It’s hard to believe that H has been with us for a third of a year already.  In many ways it feels like he has been part of our family forever.  And in other ways, it feels like he just got here yesterday and he has grown up so fast.  I was just looking at pictures of him last night, from when he was just a few weeks old.  He looked so different then, and there were only hints of his personality that would come through the otherwise constant eating and sleeping.  I just really can’t believe that he looked like this only four short months ago:

And now looks like this:

He is getting more coordinated and aware of his surroundings every day.  He is starting to take an interest in what I am eating, although he is not at all ready for solids in my opinion.  But he does love to watch me eat and look at my food.  When we stand him up, he is starting to shuffle his little feet forward instead of remaining stationary.  And when he is in his jumper, he can control his movements more and more.  When he wants to stop jumping, he knows he can stiffen his legs and come to an abrupt halt.  He is even getting mobile in his crib.  Often when I go to pick him up, I find he has turned his body completely in reverse, so that his head is where his feet were when I first put him to bed.  We’ve started bathing him in the sink, but he feels uneasy in the water.  We try to make him feel comfortable, but I believe it will take several more baths before he feels comfortable sitting in the water.  He is still used to the sponge baths he got for the first four months!  H has his four month check-up next week, so we shall see how much growing he has done.  He has grown out of almost all of his diaper covers already—I see a trip to Sprout in our future!  Most of the covers are tight around the leg gussets where he appears to be storing most of his fat.  His thighs are certainly the biggest thing on him.  I jokingly refer to him as “thunder thighs” or “my full-figured infant.”  I never imagined that cellulite could be so cute.

As the air gets more crisp and we head towards winter, H continues to grow and amaze us each day.  He’s getting better with soothing himself to sleep and going down for his naps.  I always put him to bed while he’s still awake so that he can get used to going to bed on his own.  He does reasonably well for a baby who is still under 4 months old.  I have no right to complain about this child ever.  He is too good to us.  We even took him to a restaurant/lounge on Friday to celebrate Rob’s recent job change and my successful interview.  We sat in the lounge area and had a couple cocktails.  H was perfectly behaved and didn’t make a peep.  He fell asleep in my lap and dozed while we chatted with our friends.  I never imagined that I would still be able to do these sorts of things with such a small infant.  I know that once he reaches toddlerhood, things will have to change though.

We’ve had a pretty action-packed schedule over the past week.  We had two coffee playdates with other mommas around town, and took several leisurely walks to take in the fresh air and colors.  I have to say that this has been the most vibrant year for us in terms of fall colors.  When we move, I’m really going to miss the scenery.  Here is the view we have across the street from our house:

We are lucky to live in such an amazing place.  The lake is just brilliant when it’s framed with all of the colorful leaves.  I’m going to be sad when it’s too cold to take H on these long walks by the lake.  

In other news, H’s duck costume arrived!  Here he is proudly modeling his new attire:

H still doesn’t enjoy tummy time very much.  Here he is, tolerating it and wishing I would scoop him up:

H has also recently joined us at the kitchen table!  Although he won’t be eating solids for another 2 months, he likes to participate in meal time by sitting with us at the table.  Here he is, enjoying his newfound autonomy:

And finally, I have to comment on my haircut from last week.  It was FANCY.  I was offered tea, coffee, or water like 10 times.  The “salon experience” commenced with a neck and shoulder massage, followed by a vigorous scalp massage.  Then came the haircutting and painstaking sculpting styling of my hair.  My hair has actually been falling out in large clumps since H was about 2 months old, which is an effect of low estrogen levels due to breastfeeding.  So the stylist’s task was to work with what is left of my hair.  I had a lot of hair to begin with, so it’s actually not terribly thin even after all the shedding.  I was pretty happy with the results:

I also have been making more of an effort (now that H is a little older and I have more control over these things) to clean up my appearance.  I’ve spent much of the past 4 months in my pajamas and in bed with H.  I only really exercised religiously for about 2 weeks before I had to start working on my manuscript in earnest and I ended up having to sacrifice the exercise to make time.  So I’m STILL in maternity clothes for the most part.  I’ve been feeling not very put-together.  And I know that (as silly as it is) one of the keys to feeling confident that I can get this new job is to get out of those pjs and start cleaning myself up a bit.  Yes, I still get spit up on and pooped on, but sometimes putting on a bit of lipstick and at least styling my hair has me feeling like I belong to the rest of the adult world again.  I will get back on the exercise again soon, I’ve promised myself, once this manuscript is out of my hands (which should be within the next 24 hours!)  And of course, having my eye feel better has made a world of difference in how I feel.

Part of this little mini-mental health kick I’ve been on this past week included scheduling a date time for Rob and myself.  We paid Uncle Steve to come stay with H for 2 hours while we went out to dinner at Three Tomatoes.  I was super happy because I was actually able to fit into a pair of regular pants for our dinner date.  After dinner, they were a little snug, but that’s OK.  It was worth it.  H was a good baby for his Uncle Steve.  And Uncle Steve was the sweetest, and at first refused payment for his time.  But I insisted, saying that just because he’s a college student doesn’t mean we are going to exploit him!  Uncle Steve has also agreed to watch H next week while I go to the dentist.  H has traditionally been very good during all of my many eye doctor appointments, but I don’t think he can last through an entire dental cleaning.  Those tend to be more involved than getting the old eyes checked.  

The next week promises to be just as packed with activities as last week.  Now that our garden is over for the season, the constant stress of figuring out a time to tend to the garden has lifted.  We are gearing up for the colder weather and the changes that accompany it—and there certainly seem to be some big changes looming on the horizon for us.