As I snuggled with H in his bed tonight (our daily going-to-bed ritual), he chattered away about “needing” a brother or sister.

“I need a baby,” he demanded.

“Oh, really?” I inquired.

“Oh yeah, but I have YOU mommy.”

“Well, thanks…I think.”

“I need a sister!” he demanded.

“But then you’d have to share our attention with your sister.  Are you sure you’d be OK with that?”

“Oh yeah….”

Thankfully after that, he changed the subject.  I felt like telling him that I need my son to start sleeping through the night (we’ve recently been reduced to bribing him with morning chocolate if he sleeps through the night).  Or, that I need my son to start taking naps again (he hasn’t taken a nap over an hour in length since he was 18 months old, and dropped naps completely by the age of two.)  And he has the nerve to ask for a brother or sister….

Kill me now….

I’ve been taking Kaye’s death really hard.  Surprisingly so, given that we weren’t altogether close.  I keep thinking about her at odd times during the day.  I checked out her blog again after a long hiatus, which chronicled her time in VT since moving here in late 2004.  I realized that she embraced VT as her adopted home (in much the same way as Rob and I have), and that she grew to adore everything that our little green state has to offer.  I found myself surprised at many points, especially when reading about her depression (she was constantly smiling and surrounded by friends).  This made me feel particularly crappy that I was not there for her in the ways that she really needed.  I hope she had friends to fill that niche for her.  It’s also really weird to read someone’s blog after they have died; everything about a blog is so conversational, so present.  It’s hard to believe that the writer could really be gone.  I read about the tough project that she and Rob had to work on together, over night, after putting in a full day at the office.  I had forgotten about that time (I think it was in 2005 or so), but as soon as I read her words it all came back—the insane deadlines, the stress, the expectations.  A lot of her blog entries were about work….about the 12 hour days, about the 2nd job she took at the grocery store, about stress, disappointment, and longing.  It just all feels like a waste.  So anticlimactic.  I don’t want all of *my* blog entries to be about work, stress, disappointment, etc., because I don’t want my *life* to be about work, stress, disappointment, etc.  But I think that many of them are.  And I think that my life is.

The two most chilling entries were these:  the next to the last entry she ever wrote, was about how she gave up carpooling, public transportation, and walking, to indulge in buying a car (the same car in which she ultimately lost her life).  She talked about the freedom of being able to go wherever she wanted, whenever she wanted.  I read this and winced.  Of course, how could she have known?  How could anyone have known?  The other chilling entry was a self-effacing rant about the state of her apartment, how messy and unkempt it was, and what other people might think about it if it were the apartment of a dead person.  Her family is here this week to collect her belongings.  They are in the apartment of that dead person.

All of this foreshadowing–how much of our own destinies do we script?  How much of my own future ending can be gleaned through my writing?  How much of what I write about will be meaningless when I am dead?  I need to find a way to do what I want with my life and my time, while I can.  I need to let all of the other bullshit go.  I need to really not care so much about my stupid job or career.  So what if I worked so hard for it?  That time is gone now, and I’m not getting it back.  H is here now, and he is what matters.  And we’re off to a good start in 2011, H-wise.  Every Saturday from mid-January through the end of March, H and I will be sharing a special yoga class together.  I have been wanting to do this for a long time, but kept finding excuses about the cost or about being able to fit it into our schedule.  I finally just reserved our slot in the yoga class, money and time be damned.  It’s time to just start doing things, instead of thinking about doing them, and ruminating over not having done them.  I also took H to the ENT today, and got the scoop:  If he has 2 more ear infections between now and April, he will get tubes again.  My H-related New Year’s goals are already well underway, and I am feeling really good about that.  My year is really going to be about doing all the shit that I’ve always wanted to do but never have permitted myself.

As H would proclaim:  “Cheers!”

It’s New Year’s Eve.  I am surrounded by family.  I am alive.  I am healthy (relatively).  I am content.  The events of this past week have brought into sharp focus all of the joy that is in my life.  I am a lucky person.

In no particular order, goals for 2011:

1.  Holden has an ear infection.  He has an appointment to see his ENT on January 4th.  My goal is to get tubes in his ears again, so we don’t go through what we went through last winter.

2.  I have been invited to give a presentation as part of my application for Program Director at my job.  I will give the talk, and I will get the job.  Anything that happens after that is anyone’s guess.

3.  I will learn how to knit.  I want to take a class at the local yarn shop.  I’ve wanted to do this for quite some time.  Now is the time to do it.

4.  I have been pretty good with exercising.  Not great, but certainly better than I had been.  I keep getting sick, and that keeps derailing my efforts.  I have a cold right now, so I haven’t gone running since Monday.  I hope that this weekend I’ll be back on it, and I can get back into a routine of exercise 4 times each week.

5.  I want to take a yoga class with H.  I don’t know how in the world I will fit this in.

6.  I want to give H swimming lessons next summer.

7.  I would like to have a cleaner house.  I am not above hiring a housecleaner to help me with this.

8.  I WILL maintain better contact with my close friends and family, and tell them how much I care.  I missed the boat with Kaye, and now it’s too late for that, but I won’t let that happen with the other people in my life who I love so dearly.  Relatedly, I won’t sweat the small stuff.  Life is indeed, too short.

9.  We will replace all of the windows in our house.

10.  I will finish the paint job I started in August, and I will paint two more rooms in our house.  It’s taking me FOREVER to get any of these little projects done.

11.  Rob and I will plan a long weekend getaway for our 10th wedding anniversary this summer.

Think I can pull it off?

Edited to Add:  Other things I would like to add to this rather lengthy list:

12.  Go on a rock climbing date with Rob.

13.  Learn to cross country ski.

14.  Get regular massages.

15.  Drink more water.

Fin!

We got the shocking and terrible news yesterday that a friend with whom Rob has worked for 6 years, was killed by a drunk driver.  Her name was Kaye, and I cannot overemphasize the extent to which she was adored by those around her.  She was warm, giving, selfless, fun, enthusiastic…you name it.  My immediate thought when R shared the news with me, was that I never told her enough how much she meant to us.  She sent us flowers when H was born, and gave H some of his first books.  She would rent out a hotel room and hold an Oscar party every year, and give out prizes to those dressed in the best costumes.  She would bring us back presents from her trips to CA (where she is from), and she was the first person with whom I ever had a discussion about bowerbirds.

The person who killed her was going over 50mph on the streets of Burlington, VT (if you’ve been here, you know how dangerous that is), and the police were in hot pursuit.  The driver blasted through 8 red lights and 2 stop signs before hitting Kaye’s car.  She was killed instantly.  The drunk driver, of course, had only minor injuries.  Prior to this, he had 4 DUIs from 3 states.

I can’t stop thinking about Kaye.  The last time I talked to her was sometime in October or November.  I was leaving R’s office (I don’t remember why), and we had a brief conversation as we both left the building.  I wish I had invited her to dinner, or had her over to our house.  I wish I had gotten to know her better, spent more time with her.  Because now we can’t.  And that sucks beyond anything I can think of right now.

So many people miss you Kaye.  Rest in peace…

A nice piece about Kaye can be found here.

December 7 – Community.

Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010? What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2011?

I joined a wonderful faculty/staff community at the college where I work.  I am making friends there, and I feel satisfied and fulfilled by those relationships.  I don’t want to have any more/new community experiences in 2011—I already feel overcommitted and overwhelmed by the number of people I should keep in touch with, and I don’t do nearly a good enough job keeping in contact with my close friends.  I really have all of the connections any person could ever want or need.